Yo. To be perfectly honest with you. I walk down that same road as you. Daily, I have that feeling of misery damnit i hate it, it takes over me. I do my best to shoo it away and keep a happy face on me each day. Yo, it's so damn hard yet Most of the time, I maintain fake happiness just to get by. There is a huge difference between appearing happy and actually experiencing that feeling of happy. I forgot what exactly happiness feels like and I would do anything in the world to get it back right Happiness...it's like a drug...the more you feel it, the more of it you want. Some people say you build your own happiness. To a degree that's somewhat true. I think true happiness develops around you. Wether it be situations experienced or it might be a new love interest bringing happiness, cue the drug more exhilirating it's stronger and much more powerful cousin. That designer drug called Love. Alot of people toss that word around way to freely. Those people haven't experienced real knee buckling love When they do.. they wont use that word so freely you couple Love and add happiness to it. It's like a speedball of so many emotions they can't contain themselves. Enough about that. That's my dream. To love again... Ya sure. I have had a ton of "happy moments" thru the years. But I can honestly say. The last time I felt truly happy. Like real goosebump giving spine tingling happy was when my kids were born. Then it all faded away. And the emotion ruled by Lucifer himself "depression" took over. Depression is like taking a never endless shit. Just when you think it's over....plop plop plop..it's still there. So to say I'm happy. Ha far from it. I'm a happy person. But inside I'm not happy. Only thing I believe will bring back that feeling again well, I've mentioned it already... It's Love. Love will bring that back. That feeling of knowing someone really loves you is the most intoxicating addicting high you'll ever experience. I wanna get that high again. So my beautiful lady. I get you. I understand. I'm living it right there with you. It's up to us as humans to figure out how to turn that feeling of despair around.