A War Inside Of Me

Gambling is a serious addiction. It’s like taking your first sip of alcohol where it consumes you. I'm lost in shadows of memories that haunt me. Till this day I face regret of all the mistakes I made. I did not have fear of any consequences. I lost my father’s inheritance after he passed away and I lost the profit I made from selling my parents house. How could it be wrong when everything I had is gone?! I could have lived comfortably without living paycheck to paycheck. Now I have no savings for my future. I can't escape this pain. The scars of the battle feel so unabated. Fear of shame of all the lies I am the one to blame. I was once lost in a sickness and felt no shame. I was once suffering but still I'm saved. I used to be a little lost and helpless. I thought I was alone. No one listens when someone listens. I constantly denied that I had a problem. I was using gambling to gain control. It was an escape outlet for me because I didn’t want to face reality. It was used as an emotional crutch anytime I experienced depression or anxiety because I did not have the best coping mechanisms in place. I became withdrawn and reserved where I chose to hide in my addiction. I was dead inside. Almost like I was trapped inside a cage. It was like a drug a temporary cure to all my problems. I had to face myself and I have no more regrets to live. I’m drowning in my thoughts, life’s cruel enigma. Searching for light in this shadowy stigma. I have now found peace because I am no longer that person I used to be. There is no going back to my past. The temptations and urges have faded. The road to recovery is long but I soon shall be shut. I am on my way to healing to a place where I belong. Through the silence, I find the strength to carry on. This life is so uncertain. And the struggle never ends. It takes more than pretense. To see the results of the end of the line.