the real me

i ain't been feeling like myself but im to scared so i dont ask for help cant let my feelings show so i keep them hidden them on the shelf it's kinda hard for me to smile so if you see it just now it's fake cant let no one see the real me know its a lot to take been crossed over so much so its hard to trust gotta have money for my family so i do as i must but whole lotta times in my room i feel like just giving up i cant even smile have a good day lately feel like i dont give a fuck and people could look in my eyes and still dont understand the pain cause ever since my grandma die shit aint been the same and i fucked so much in my life but im the only one to blame and the people that say they close don't listen to them claims i got money now but still seemed like my feelings aint change so as the paper trail goes on im going stay in my lane i wish i can go back just change the past seems like i aint have a good childhood everything went by fast just if i could see my cousin or my brother one last time or even hear them laugh or let me hear my grandmas voice one more time but it feels like thats a lot to ask im speeding in this zr1 high hoping i dont crash and i cant stay focused so i dont even start a task and everywhere i go i stay behind cause when i turn around they goin to stab me in my back and i wonder what would happen if my dad was around would things still be like they are right now would i still be the kid in the trenches listening to gun sounds cant lie when i was little sometimes i would cry and wished he was round and its crazy how people try to come back in your life cause it aint tough now but when you were broke and asked for help they would get you shut down and my mind been racing thinking bout a lot of things but i guess im chosen cause opportunitys like this just dont come round called my mama on the phone the other day she said my boy done made it proud of me i know the loved she showed she wasn't faking