if only you knew what I ment

why is it deep inside every time I try to buy him all I could see is negativity that makes me cry so I got to get high repeat and then multiply look in the mirror with a sigh have all these answers but no questions except why not looking to die but set in the bar pretty high or not high enough all I know is these drinks and each pup each hit it's not enough I treat my body like a machine that I never take the time for maintenance or clean thoughts used to being but now I can hardly remember when I used to be a human being forgot the past in the future I ain't seen or at least not willing feel stuck inside of prison it sounds like nonsense but my conscience feels trapped by my subconscience always trying to put up a defense without offense or mal intent just time badly spent wondering where it went through a bang event take a puff a crack or meth while knowing this s*** is whack in fact don't lack anything but the one thing that you need most and is host to your addiction to care for your affliction you have to stop making yourself sicker than sick at sickness but you choose to be stupid and ignorant that's where the time is went wanted to make a scratch on the Earth but couldn't even make a dent wondering where it went if only you knew what I meant