"Depressions Sickening Ways"

I'm trying to do better everyday but this pain of having my mother taken away, it just stays causing me more ache each & every day that I wake, I'm sick of feeling this way, this depression with it's .sickening ways has over stayed please, just fuck off & go away,  I don't know how much more I can take, I'm tired of this pain and it's negative way, i used take drugs and drink everyday, to mask my pain & now I'm finally free I've gotten clean, but still I have been struggling to be myself, trying to not let these voices in the back of my mind, that keep trying to get me to up an leave, trying to convince me suicide is the only thing to gain some peace, or saying give us back the old you who gave into everything, but I'm fighting to no longer be that guy, I'm fighting so hard to leave behind that life, but it's difficult for me when every time, I close my eyes, I see this sickening image it's my mother crying, it's on repeat hearing her voice speak, asking ash why  God has chosen me,  I don't want to die why is he making me leave all that I love behind, seeing my mum full of ivs and witnessing her life, deteriorating more each night that i close my eyes, I can see her smile slowly beginning to fade, her body becoming to weak to keep fighting of this cancerous disease, you would have to be here to see this gruesome scene, she is losing so much weight & her hair is falling out all over the place, because of constant radiation & chemo that they're injecting into her veins, she's been taking all these pills to not have to feel her pain, she told me she is struggling to try and stay awake, saying why does he make me go through all this pain, if he wants me to die, can he just hurry up and take my life, like Why is he making my kids watch me struggle to try to keep my eyes open just trying to stay alive, i can see she is trying to put on a brave face, but I can see behind that mask she fakes I can see in her eyes the worries inside, I know that she is terrified, it breaks me every second of every day wishing I, could just take away her pain but I can't, I'm having these thoughts of how I was a shitty son, I was really selfish turned to the drugs then become to fucked on the stuff to realise I wasn't there for mum, fuck, what have i done look at how much I lost, even after all she had done for us, I couldn't even help my mum and now that she is gone, I'm regretting everything that I feel I've done wrong, i feel like I'll forever be grieving her soul, the last time that we spoke, she had fallen to delusions not able to tell, the real from the fake,  fuck!, watching your mum struggle to breathe its not something anyone would want to see, i wouldn't wish this fucked disease, on a single soul, no one deserves to suffer the same agony that took my mum away, man it was fucked, and this is something that could happen to anyone or those in which you hold deep in your heart, so please I'm begging you hold tight & cherish the ones that you love because one minute they are by your side then in a single blink of an eye a loved one can die , so tell the ones that you love that you love them everyday, because at anytime they could be taken away, trust me you don't want to feel the same guilt in which I feel everyday, for me this still doesn't seem real but my mind has been trying to hide these battle wounds and how I'm completely breaking inside, I'm so sorry mum that you were taken before your time, just know that I love you and you'll forever be in my mind and rest in paradise my beautiful Queen looking down from the heavens in the sky we love you mum rest in peace until we next collide