Surrender

Surrender: My verbal standing is outstanding, it’s a different consignment A controversial twist on a traditional assignment Poetic and synthetic, fear of judgement now has burst I say ‘e-shay’ to an essay, but I’ll put it in a rap verse My psychotropic ramblings, they can sometimes be satirical My feelings, they’re revealing, and contexted in the lyrical Without further ado, I’ll do what I have to do Put my logic in this project and I’ll rap it out for you   In the dark depths of addiction, spiralled right out of control Was abusing in my using of both drugs and alcohol Degradation, annihilation, were my ever growing fears A generation of isolation was apparent through the years Despite my urge to fight this, I would often taste the tears Avoid them with a lighter, and some valium, a few beers No matter what I did, I could never keep a lid On my drug controlled behaviour, darkness was no longer hid   When you can go without drugs, you may say you have control When you can go without hugs, then you know you’ve lost your soul It’s when you’ve crushed your spirit your addiction is compulsive You’re high, you’re never with it, you’re erratic and impulsive Me, I was the latter, didn’t matter, didn’t care Always took, was always fake, and you could see it in my death stare Stressing and depressing it got worse with every hour I’d wake, my life at stake, and I’d see I’d lost my power Came to the realization that I didn’t want to trash it So I grabbed my powerlessness and I used it as an asset     Once my life, it was in strife, a serrated silver knife Mentally cutting and destroying, pain and anguish were so rife Gave up my hopes and dreams of a tertiary education Came apart at the seams, an adversial violation Continued in my decline with a loss of occupation Was unable to refine or define my true vocation Brain cells started dying from a lack of information My patience and my virtue both were replaced by frustration Completely lost my vision in this drug induced transition That’s when I made it my mission not to be in this position   I said ‘Hey, it’s not the way’, dropped to my knees, stubbed out the 'j' Didn’t stray, keep God at bay, or ever not mean what I say Replaced my tears with new ideas, started going to NA Stopped dwelling in the past and focused on just for today Listened instead of speaking, learnt that I shouldn’t assume That my best chance to recover was within a simple room Stopped fighting authoritative figures with a cynical retort Replaced this with true friendship, began taking on support I learnt to really care, and explain how in a share Became consciously aware and my pain was slowly spared   Now I’m loving life and in the process of discovery I’m no longer in strife and I am loving my recovery I’m the best I’ve ever been, something I could not have seen Hope that you know what I mean when I say that I live the dream