Lord Thank You

Was it my fault I was struggling to understand the pain that I was in while within moments that I had a desire to live, I ask this question cause time and time again they'd give, me the saddened look, like I wasn't what I was meant to be, like it was my fault of that tale of a tragedy, they probably right tho, cause they thinking I'm a saddened crook, but the truth isn't written and carved in stone, kept it secret like a diary or a mysterious book, I was suffering on the inside and had to show on the outside a white boy typa pride that repesented not giving a fuck, about the black stains on my colours that I wore, as an individual growing up in a small city, where I swore that I'd try my best to bring into each and every moment that I lived the best of me, while without having to know what the best of me actually was, cause my story not gonna be black and white, nah, it gonna show colour, show strength, pride and joy, happiness formed from a single boy, thats on a mission to become more then a man, so maybe this causes confusion connected to a delusion, maybe an infusion of pure rudeness, glued to the back of you and me, and hey, imma just say, I had to do that and this, cause when I wasn't looking they we're attacking me, bringing me down throwing dirt on my name, now I got so much pain I can't even remember my name, call it what you want possibly an exaggeration, I'm just trying to bring hope to someone possiby just me, or maybe my entire generation, that there actually is a future that'll be worth to see, but imma struggle to do so, cause I do flow, but am unkown, I ain't got the motion I had the first time but I have shown, an improvement that ain't look too significant but trust me, was quite the moment, for me, so lord I'm just trusting while down here where you'll see, not many being able too, or many being to afraid to, cause its true, I'm brave too, maybe not the same, but at least for the moment I feel like I'm going somewhere while trapped within my lane, oh and btw sorry you have pain, and that I struggle to gain, a stable conscious, while on earth, cause you deserve so much more then I can offer you, just wish I could talk to you, or in my final moments show you a smile the same one you gave me, and the same one you never took from me!!! Thank you!!!