man I hate this depression

my depression is hitting me hard, its already left me physically and emotionally drained, sometimes I feel numb, other times I feel more pain someone please give me morphine, I smoke but sometimes it does nothing other times it helps alot, like now im feeling anxious and im about to loose my shit, im trying my hardest to not tap out, I've been fighting this battle with myself my whole life, as I got older it got harder to deal with, man life is a bitch. why does this depression have to hit, its making me feel like shit, inside my soul hurts, and I wanna cry I wanna die I hate this depression. at night I try to sleep, but my mind is going a 1000 times a minute, I yell be quit, but nothing happens, wide awake with the night, will this end? cause I'm sick of this feeling.