Hateful Love

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(lyrics) Some days I wake up feelin’ like your still in my bloodstream, her love’s somethin’ radioactive buried in my inner being. I try to meet new people, but I greet ’em with a cut scene, every smile looks rehearsed, every kindness is upstream. You taught me caution like religion made suspicion feel holy. Now my trust is a ritual I fumble with slowly. every promise offered now looks crooked, in the mouth like it was spoken by a coyote. I hate that I second-guess hearts that try to know me, I hate even more that the ghost of you still patrols me. My soul’s a house rebuilt too many times on burnt land. You left with his ashes in hand, his ghost in the nightstand Fear in the hinges that creak when new people try to extend A hand I’m afraid to shake, a truth I can’t understand. Every corridor whispers threats, shadows reaching to reprimand. The doorway creaks your name, reminding me that I can’t stand. “this hateful love” You and the damage you planted in my torso. A venomous duet echoin’ through my view like a war show, That turns handshakes into landmines I tiptoe So I flinch at shadows shaped like the people I used to know. I’m tryin’ to heal, but healing feels like climbin’ up a steep loss, A tightrope made of past love, stretched between grief’s cross. And every day I fight not to mirror what you caused. The wound you left might be a permanent cost. His betrayal hit different like someone swapped my reflection, Made me question if kindness is just bait for connection. Like he programmed my instincts with a glitch in affection. Now every new face triggers alarms born from his deception. He taught me that “brother” can mean “predator in plain sight,” That someone cheering for you might be harboring more than spite. Now when a friend shows support, I’m watchin’ for the moment they reveal they actually do nothing but backbite. And I hate it. I Hate that his voice echoes when I hesitate to trust. I Hate that I learned suspicion like a muscle trained in blood lust. I Hate that I flinch when people love me, like their affection just might combust. you don't got the guts Fuck what he did now every bond is iron in mud starting to rust Now even hope feels so fragile in my grip, like a knife thrust through my heart as it dies, decays and love turns to dust. “this hateful love” Him and the version of me he almost sculpted through loads of snow. A bitterness taught to settle in my marrow like a stronghold, Two shadows well known tag-teamin’ tryna turn me into his lone cold clone. There’s a version of me that didn’t survive you he died quiet. You killed him with your expectations, your cold riot, Your hatred for my grief, your hunger to rewrite The parts of me that ached, the parts that didn’t fit your blight. Every day I claw my way away from the man they molded. From the bitterness that almost bloomed, from the empathy they folded. I fight the temptation not to become the cruelty they once scolded. So “this hateful love” ain’t them it’s me and the fight not to become the echo of what I could’ve done It’s me versus the temptation not to go numb, Me versus the blueprint of their damage, beatin’ in my head overnight till daylight like a war drum. Two forces in my chest the pain that shaped me, and the man refusin’ to let that pain remake me. Only one walks forward.

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