The devils trying to take control, he has been for years, I think the time is almost here I'm trying to keep my mind clear, but the war has made me weak, it's taken the strength I need to defeat the enemy's I'm wanting to just drop to my knees and admit defeat, just let the devil and his demons take control of me, but I'm trying to stay on my feet for as long as mum is in need of me I don't get to just drop out and leave, but I need my family to see the demons keep, on coming no matter where or how fast I run, I turn the corner and there is always another one, they just think this is fun but fuck I'm so Fucking done I just want to be there for mum but I can't, there's just to much as her son that I have fucked up and done that her eyes just continue to run I'm sorry mum I know I am a disappointment of a son can we just go back to where everything first begun when I was just a little bub when I could actually get a smile from mum even give her a hug that she would love but now everything has changed so much I don't even know where to start it was late at night when I woke up, mum was ringing so I answer my phone that's when my heart just sunk mum said ashleigh please get all the kids you need to come to flinders as soon as you can mum whats wrong did you get your results what is it is it bad she says ash it's not good it's pretty bad she says why all so sad, I will tell you everything once you're here, so we all drive to the hospital get to the room where all of our family sits OK please listen, mum starts to speak they found two lumps on my lung, I have cancer they just don't know how far along just know I love all of you lots, Then she starts to cough everyones giving her hugs but I'm just stuck in this spot stuck deep in my thoughts praying I'm asleep and I'm just going to wake up, I get up and leave the room go down stairs to go outside to take everything in, so I ring up Jeremy crying saying mums sick, I can't even breathe, he says what do you mean sick? I mean cancer it's in her chest it's on her lungs and it's not looking the best why mum, this isn't fair, struggling to stand, I'm grabbing my hair asking god why he doesn't care, I know mah is an angel, but you're taking her too soon I'm just sitting in my room, still figuring out what the fuck to do but I know mums suffering this confusion too fuck Im sorry mum, im sorry for the shit that i have done, I'm sorry that even after the shit you're going through i still sit here and continue to take these drugs, all you wanted was the best for your kids, but I just keep on taking these hits, my minds fucked and i feel like to patch these scars i have to keep puffing on this pip but now its time for me to stop and think its time to get of this shit it's mum i need she is the one who's sick because the cancer got a hold of her now it's creeping under her skin the clock ticks our time with you is getting thin i need to stop being a selfish prick sort out my shit because any minute any day See could be it, time is moving fast now you're in hospice having to carry around an iv bag that's injecting you with that morphine anything to stop the pain i need to stop the pip i just keep making the tears, drip from your eyes to your chin all i want is for your happiness to stay but the demons make you think that you failed with your kids but i promise you mah that it was the best that you did it wasn't easy for you to be a single parent dealing with all of us crazy pricks being my mum and my dad and now it all turned to shit day by day you're getting more sick crying sleeping thinking to yourself why, why me I don't deserve this shit, i feel useless i can't do anything, i cant even be there for my kids im useless, but mum all you have ever done is be there for us now its our turn to switched spots there is nothing i could ever do too repay back everything that you did you're the best mum anyone could ever have you don't deserve this shit Shannon told us kids that mum might only have a couple days left to live I want to cry but my eyes are dry contemplating my suicide it's just anger inside and I don't know why it's like god has been punishing me since Nana Lyn died since I looked straight into her eyes in her coffin, the funural was the last time I properly cried now all my emotions I just try to hide deep inside this demented mind of mine thinking of suicide all the time and I don't know why this is the sort of stuff that keeps me up at night wondering why, why the fuck am I still alive, so everyone I just try to fight fuck I'm breaking this time this is the last time I have any emotions decide how I am in life I just throw it aside I feel like the devils in I, In my room, there is nothin but drug abuse, always pipes consumed, sitting down, spaced out never able to figure out, what the fuck to do, so I just write shit down, make these rhymes that I keep up in my mind, it's the only way to let people know what I hide inside, I don't like to cry so I just put on a smile and say everything's fine I don't like people digging around what's inside trust me you won't like what you find as soon as I open up you'll realise that I'm not the same guy as I was before mum was diagnosed with the cancer inside it constantly plays on my mind, as my mother's time divides, why, Why her? Watching my mum deteriorating over time, I'm getting close to suicide I'm already dimming the lights, mums looking like, she only has a couple of weeks left now, she just sits in bed, she can barely stand, finding it hard to even go to the toilet she always needs another hand to help hold her there, running out of breath now, breaking out tears running down, spaced out, from all the drugs that she has to down, fuck, mums times running out the doctors just upped her dose, that's when you know it's close, I don't want my mum to go, but, at the same time I want all of her pain to leave, no more suffering, it's time for the family, to start preparing, for the storm that's about to form, soon mums just going to fall, asleep, then slowly minute by minute, her soul leaves, I can't breathe, it can't be, I will remember all the memories, especially, of when you used to sing, but it sucks that we can't, hear it no more, well not physically, just videos and mentally, this isn't how it was meant to be, does it have to be mum please, just let it be me, let me take my mummas place, she's not meant to be taken this early, can't you see jayden and bea have planted a seed they have just started their own little family hoping that mum gets to see before she leaves there is so much burden and grief inside of our family this isnt easy it's getting heavier than its ever been, mum why did you have to leave, I am trying to be a better me, but now you won't even be here to see, it has been a journey some wouldn't believe, only if you met her you could see I love you mum, up in the clouds, you have become heavens angel now, just keep looking down, I hope I'm making you proud.