Jonno

Ascension

Rising up, on a upward trajectory. But, I recall from memory being worse off than I am presently. The past was hell for me, retrospectively. Couldn’t fit in, couldn’t effectively blend in, so I was left lonely. I was lost while on this quest to seek meaning to fulfill me existentially. I used to try and pretend to be invisible, I was exceptionally tense and anxious mentally. I was unable to present a speech. At school, I used to sit separately from everyone and rarely speak. Hesitation suffocated, I was scared to breathe due to fear of others resenting me. I was different, so I would get bullied. I withdrew so they couldn’t get to me. Grew a shell and lived defensively. For a while, I used to spend my free time escaping the pain through tele screens. Helps at first, but then the effect depletes and the distraction gives you less relief. I needed to live more intentionally. The past has happened, I can’t mend it. Recognising errors can be quite vexing, but it fuels betterment through introspective reflection, which helps with learning lessons. I’m excited for my progression over the next five to ten years ‘cause of the successes I’ve collected. I’m looking forward to my ascension. When fifteen, thought peeps were friends with me. Having friends helped me through GCSEs. But when A-levels came, the pressure be- came intense and started overwhelming me. I went to friends when mental health decreased, but when in need, they just fled from me. The treachery killed my self esteem. I was then sixteen, when one eve I discovered and heard “Lose Yourself” by E to the M-I-N-E-M and sat there intrigued at how one can go through hell, but then succeed. Hearing his message presented me with the inspiration necessary to get through tribulations then perceived. Back then, was just an adolescent teen. Parents, education, lived at their mercy. I couldn’t do anything except study. Was grinding to survive academically. Was hustling to achieve someone else’s dream. Was scared to death of teachers failing me. At seventeen, didn’t get that failure’s teach. Felt hurried, head worried about tests received. It kept stressing me perpetually ‘cause of results school would expect from me. The past has happened, I can’t mend it. Recognising errors can be quite vexing, but it fuels betterment through introspective reflection, which helps with learning lessons. I’m excited for my progression over the next five to ten years ‘cause of the successes I’ve collected. I’m looking forward to my ascension. A-levels, in the end, got them complete. But I didn’t have any direction schemed after school, didn’t know what was next for me. Didn’t have a clue who I was meant to be. Liked sports, did coaching voluntarily. It was fun, but I needed to get money. Got a job in a warehouse with trailers green, lifting boxes and heavy beams. Got dosh but couldn’t rest in free time, plus the grind was meaningless to me. All grafting, no passion, a depressing scene. The only thing that really pleasured me was hearing emcees dispensing steam. It made me merry, temporarily. But it couldn’t permanently keep demons asleep, they didn’t rest in peace. They incrementally killed my energy to the point I walked around with zest deceased and considered putting an end to me. During this time, I’d rhyme with the pen and read. But I didn’t yet believe I’d ever speak my schemes on the mic at depression’s peak. I’d write fire but then I’d reject the heat. Rhymes seemed futile, so I’d press delete. The past has happened, I can’t mend it. Recognising errors can be quite vexing, but it fuels betterment through introspective reflection, which helps with learning lessons. I’m excited for my progression over the next five to ten years ‘cause of the successes I’ve collected. I’m looking forward to my ascension. Then in January twenty-twenty-three, when I was getting treated medically with antidepressants, apprehension ceased enough for me to use breath on beats, get a new job and a gym membership. My confidence increased exponentially, but I struggled to form a fully-fleshed out piece ‘cause others’ beats didn’t gel with me. On and off, I’d spit acapella schemes. I wanna make songs, not just poetic reads. I realised that no one will rescue me, so I had to go and venture deep inside and find the courage to attempt to cre- ate an instrumental that was meant for me. I did it once, then the fear preventing me diminished. Now ready to relentlessly spit intellectually and conscientiously. My life’s trials are just preparing me for the success destined ahead of me. Not there, really, I’ll never be ‘cause there will always be next steps for me. There’s no limit when it comes to expertise. Producing, improving progressively. Turning “potentially” into “eventually”.