ive been on my own self-medicating substances I think I need namely methamphetamine caffeine n nicotine keeping pace is my pure undying hatred the entire human race all it's ever been is evil to me made me someone I don't want to recognize anymore all of my quote end quote friends all they ever do is fuck me over in the end everyone's running the same race just out for their own ends I'm all in like a poker table on a championship run no blacks left no more chips left to bet who knows which way the hands going to go just like the clock round in a circle one of them never wins in one of them is always behind too honest to hide all the lies behind my eyes like cellophane you'd see straight through me I'm an open book although my cover makes people not tend to look if you flip through my pages the things you would find would keep most people up awake all night the things that I think the terrors that I see only in my mind these records I keep because if I put it on paper or make it physically real and the secrets I own would be revealed and that's not a thing that i can have happen because then people wouldn't even see me as human I'd be creating a new subclass lower than dirt as I lower myself into the dirt verbally creating my own grave plot the greatest plot against me only pins to thicken like pea soup this brain fog so hard to see through my memories tend to LeapFrog back and forth most of the time I'm unsure when things happened not because I don't want to remember but because things just don't seem to work out that way all i think about is pain happiness escapes me even those who are meant to help me only laugh at my life their antics antique like a jester mental connection to self out of the question not allowed to take medication forces the separation resigned to forced indoctrination woth out inoculation empty syringes offer no healing no numb feeling much needed oxygen to a drowning man but straight into the artery headed for the heart of me soul went through a shredder but im supposed to listen to your words like gods spoken scarlet letter? if dont even know me, how do you know me better?