Sometimes I might get a feeling that I'm being underrated and underappreciated while dealing with all these feelings of self doubt and self hatred, knowing that realistically I just might not make it, thinking what's the point of even trying to shine when you're no longer in your prime like I used to be and had such a much stronger flow that used to conquer so Devine and beautifully but somewhere along the line I feel like I've lost it but its probably just Lucy fucking with me cause now Im wasting all my time online, You can All Call me crazy but Id hate myself even more if I just gave up and quit, Never gave a shit, if I never even tried to make it or at least make an attempt, just a lil bit, if I acted like a lil bitch, I've never been the biggest fan of regrets so anything ive ever did is because Ive always dreaded the 2 words side by side that questions reality that question of' what if'? stays stuck ibside my mwbeakkitywhat if you had a gift and let it go to waste instead of chasing it to give away to people who might think that your ok, that your rhmes are amazing and help them thru the day so you keep going, keep flowing cause theyre only gonna get better with practice and with aging, plus it's fucken fun to be chasing it especially when you're practically tasting it, in your mouth like a bakery, from your recipe and crazy concoction of ingredients only you could make a mess drinking while you're depression kicks in again and has you contemplating suicide and thinking of dying or doing something really death-defyingly satisfying just to supply yourself with a natural high, cause adrenaline is like a rush you can get from playing Russian roulette, like letting poisoning venom in under your skin until your head will spin, supporting yourself with enough meth amphetamine medicine, to be flying off the handles quicker then those lines be flying off the mantles after snorting them, thinking fuck you're wealth, it sucks to be poor no doubt but at least you still looking up with your health, untill you look up and your nose starts dripping blood, snots and whatever the Fuck else, from sniffing mystery powder thats cut with probably the first thing that shorty can fucken reach off the shelf, then stomped on with enough force to kill a thousand ant hills, fuck off to all my doubts and feelings of hopelessness. It makes me feel like a bitch, I just hope this is it.. something that I can finally cope with since.. I feel that way just about everyday, im not clinically insane but maybe ive got a little bit of slight brain decay from heavy drug abuse from such a young age, just in alot of pain mainly and maybe It hurts today but feels better tomorrow cant wait an see, I hope so cause I'm sick of feeling hollow, sick of the sorrow, and I feel like im only filled with broken bits ready to disperse into the fucken dirt or black hole or abyss of any openings that emerge, 1st come 1st serve fire up the particle accelerator and let's start this fucken purge party, cleansing the earth, deal or no deal, It doesn't matter when you're still trying to deal with trying to heal old wounds that can't be healed. You wake up feeling the same every day, wondering if hell is real, or if it's just a feeling you feel, a feeling you get that will never fade away, meds or (no med) am I still a demon from seeing to much shit backwards inside of my head hearing the voices screaming and still they can't be silenced or fed. That's when sometimes you wish you were deaf maybe even hoped you were blind enough to take a step up out of your minds eye so you decide just to get high enough to be left the fuck alone its either that or be dead. You gotta toughen up, ruff it up, and ride it out on your own. The feeling comes back the second the highs gone away, always on one to never fear one, but being back to square one