Silly Unspeakable | Anjellalo I don't believe in myself, everything I tell me is a lie, I don't want to die but I realize maybe when I think depressed I'm not thinking wrong I'm thinking truthful.. when I'm "not myself" is when I'm truthful I can't be happy 'cause I don't deserve it I haven't made a song cause I know the covers will be better, those are honest letters. I don't face things because I can't handle much, I think it's okay im out of touch. rock bottom is a funny expression, they say it's only up from there and everything'll be great... but I've had multiple rock bottoms, None ended my problems. I'm seeing patterns, my mind's of on sattern. I'm living stagnant, haven't brushed I don't smell of mint. I'm too depressed to get up, and I'm too anxious to truly live. I follow no plans but won't give up. I have to try harder to be able to truly give. The only thing keeping me going is hope, cowardice, and weekly anime. I'll never kill myself because I wouldn't do that to my family, death creates a cycle of depression and death. My brother died. I guess I did too, I haven't been genuine since. I want a reality where i can pinch my skin and wake up, wake up twelve again, save him from that accident, save everyone from how we turned out. depressed. anxious. everyone who loved him lost themselves in 2014. I'm screwed up, don't feel sorry for me, I'm an asshole. I don't blame myself for his death, only the driver truly can. I'm at peace with it all, I think. what I blame myself for is being a shitty person before that, after that, and sometimes still. I've done things I regret, things that make me wanna die when I look back at the person I was. I'm not her anymore, but I'm forever haunted. forever hating. forever hunting for a way forgive myself.